#LOVEWINS

There isn’t any law strong enough to control the way you truly feel. With or without it, LOVE ALREADY WON

I respect all the supporters and those who are against it. We are all entitled to our own opinion and that’s what’s so beautiful about this world. To think that GOD created so many different types of human beings out there is amazing to me.

If you don’t want to see it, close your eyes. If you don’t want to hear it, cover your ears. If you feel threatened by it, get on your knees, and start praying that the feeling makes its way out of your body and accept that this world is changing whether you are ready or not. 

Antidepressants

Antidepressants continue to be a debate within our society.  There are people who: believe in the product, think it’s toxic and is one of the leading causes of extreme actions (such as suicide), or believe it is full of crap.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion whether or not they have been experienced being medicated by antidepressants.  I respect each and every one of their opinions because I cannot control their minds, just as they cannot control mine.

Sadness and Depression are two different things.  Sure, Sadness can lead to Depression, but what is it like to be depressed?  There’s more to it than feeling “sad”.  In my case, I first noticed my Depression when I was no longer in control of my actions that reflected from my feelings.  I felt like my world was at a stand-still.  I would surround myself by my loved ones and create happy memories and laughed during those happy moments, but my heart felt like it was being crushed by a considerable amount of weight.  My mind, although experiencing happy moments, would wander off into a place I have zero access to and leave my body alone in bed for what I thought would only be a few minutes but turned out to be several hours.  This happened for years.  I was a mess.

Making the decision on being medicated was not easy.  It wasn’t a simple “yes” for me.  I did my research from the internet and psychology books.  I had to know what I would be getting myself into.  The doctor had to explain the chemical process to me step-by-step in order to convince me that my brain was “chemically imbalanced” due to a significant amount of hormonal changes throughout the years (due to my ED and other things).  He always explained to me that this wasn’t a Magic Pill.  That I was not going to feel a change instantly, but it would be something I would have to commit to for a couple months before noticing any progress.

May I remind you, I was one of those people who thought it was full of crap.  But I decided that since I had already hit rock bottom mentally and emotionally, it wouldn’t hurt me to try.  In the months passing, I noticed small changes in my mood.  Yes, they were small… but nonetheless they were positive changes.  I was actually trying to find ways to prove these psychologists wrong and show them that it actually is all in the head.  I was wrong.

Although these changes weren’t drastic the way some of you may believe being medicated would be, but it made a difference.  My family would start noticing as well and that’s what kept me on Antidepressants for as long as I did.  It would numb the emotions I would normally feel without it.

Because the medication did its job so well mentally, scientifically and emotionally…it would mask my negative emotions.  The emotions I felt due to my issues that accumulated and brought me to this point. (When I say negative emotions, I don’t mean I never felt sadness.. that would make me a robot. I am still human last time I checked.  I am referring to the emotions that I would create within myself with nothing or no one to blame.  Emotions that would occur for no reason at all.)

This is where my new journey begins.  I have so much respect for those who decide to stay medicated because that is their way of dealing with it, but I no longer want to take this route being medicated.  It’s not because I am against it or don’t believe in it.  I believe in it so much that it scares me.  It was masking my issues significantly that I was not able to deal with my real problems face to face.  Some may need to fight their battle with the help of medication and that’s completely fine, but I am deciding to allow myself to feel the pain.  Allow my mind and emotions to show me where the pain is striking me most and find the core of my problem and discover MY solution in hopes that it will be long lasting. Goal: Get happy and stay happy.

MOM.

Mother’s day 2015

I know most of us have amazing mothers and I couldn’t be more happy for those who have a great relationship with them.  I can only speak for mine.

She is everything I need in my life.  She is my best friend, coach, cheerleader, crutch, chef, voice of reason, companion, and #1 supporter!  I have many supporters in life, but she shows it completely.  SHE is my reason for moving forward.  SHE reassures me that I am deserving of the life I want.

I have put her through hell with my illness but she keeps fighting for my life when I don’t fight for it myself.  My illness hasn’t been easy on any of my family members, but especially her.  She never gives up on me even when I tell her to back off.  Although I am now 27 years old,  I am very much capable of taking myself to all my appointments.. But there’s something about always having her by my side even if she does not need to be there for any reason at all.  I come out after seeing the doctor and guess what?… She is right there waiting for me.  That is what a great mother does and I aspire to be like her every day.

Mom is everything. 

The Support System

When going through tough times, we all long for support.  Whether or not it shows, it’s the only thing we know we need in order to make our awful situations bearable.

There are plenty of support systems out there, but only a few that best suits our own personal needs.

As for me, I’ve had two types that seem to stand out more than the rest.  I have the people who want to come up with solutions on the spot as I’m going through one of my mentally paralyzed breakdowns, and then I have people who will simply stay in the dark with me until I am ready to come out.  I have realized that I need the combination of both. 

For the past few years I’ve experienced these outrageous episodes of a mental breakdown (due to my hormonal changes that were a result of my ED).  I can’t really explain the feeling in words, but all I know is that my mind doesn’t think rationally, and physically my body freezes.  I sit/lay for hours at a time and I feel like only 30 minutes have gone by. I considered myself “crazy” and it scares me to think that for those hours I had no control over my body.      

Sometimes, I have ways of getting myself through it without affecting those around me, then there are the times when it causes so much emotional pain to others, specifically my family members.  

It is then that they try to do what’s best for me at that time.  I understand that it is their initial instinct to come up with a solution to make it easier for me, but I just can’t emphasize it enough that when something is being said to me at that moment, my mind and body do not process it the same way. I understand it completely, but with every solution they suggest I feel like my heart gets tighter and heavier (literally!!)… Which is why I keep my distance from them because my heart could only take so much.  To their defense, they are helping me because they LOVE me and it is greatly appreciated. And there’s nothing wrong with that.  They are doing an amazing job and I don’t know if I could be in their position.

At this very moment I am able to think clearly enough to advise someone who is dealing with someone like me to stay in the dark with that person until they’re ready to come out. No words need to be said. Just your presence. Even if it means just being in the other room and not right beside them.  Give them space but don’t be too far away.  They will come out of the darkness eventually.  And if you don’t think your time is worth waiting for that person, then you aren’t what they need. I’m not telling you to spoil them with attention, but if you can’t handle, then simply stay away completely. It’s not your fault for having different beliefs on how to show a person you care. This way that I am explaining is MY personal belief. 

My reason to come out is for my family. Not because I want to, but because I feel guilty for putting them  through it.  I know people think that you should be doing things for yourself before anyone else, but it’s not a negative thing that I do things for them more than for myself… You see, some people aren’t lucky enough to have that kind of support system, and they motivate me to be a better person.  So why wouldn’t I do this for them if it is also beneficial to my health?  I’m just blessed to have my family be the #1 reason to come out of the darkness.  They’re worth it.

The Worst Break Up

I wouldn’t say I’m the type of girl to be in relationships.  As much as I dream to have a perfect one (or at least MY defintion of perfect), I would never allow myself to settle for one that I feel does not suit my life.

As I sit here and ponder where my failed relationships went wrong (or potential relationships), I can’t help but blame myself.  Yes, I know that isn’t healthy to do, but that’s part of the process. You blame him, then you blame yourself without even being aware of it.  And the common denominator in these failed relationships of mine was Me.  Where did I go wrong?  Why was I incapable of holding one together? And suddenly I found my answer.  I didn’t hold myself together.

In any relationship, it always starts with one thing. You.  You can’t possibly be someone your partner needs you to be if you don’t have it together yourself. You would have absolutely nothing to offer to that relationship.

It then dawned on me. The reason I had failed all my relationships I was trying so hard to work out was because I had broken up with the one person who would make all the difference in the world if only I had stayed faithful to them. I ended things with the person who deserved my love the most. I broke up with the person that could hold me together.  I broke up with myself.

I stopped loving and caring for myself that it reflected on the relationships that were right in front of me.

I was afraid of being hurt by someone else when in reality, I was the only one who could truly break myself apart.

I am not perfect, and it’s only natural that a person doesn’t completely love themselves to the fullest at all times and rely on someone else to hold them together.  After all, being there for someone when they need you is all what a relationship is about.  But hating yourself and cutting off all ties with the relationship with yourself will not get you anywhere on this journey of finding the perfect one for you.

Work on the relationship within yourself before working on the relationship that’s in front of you.

Fear Of Judgement

Let your passion find you and make the most of it.  The fear of judgement can hold a person back from showing others their full potential, but in the end… Whose loss is it if you hold back? Yours.  Showcasing your talents isn’t always about showing the world that you are gifted. It’s about taking pride in the work you put in and showing GOD that you aren’t wasting the GIFT he gave you. He’s the only one you should be trying to impress. Make him proud and reassure him that he’s still the best ARTIST out there!

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