Temporary Satisfaction

There are so many types of Eating Disorders.  Some may not even be aware that, for example, Orthorexia (an obsession with eating only “pure”, “right”, or “proper” foods) was an ED. (what the heck, right? I didn’t even know that.)
Whatever type people are suffering from, they are still suffering. Let’s not treat it less than it should be.

An Eating Disorder and doing drugs may be two totally different things, but they have one thing in common.  They deliver temporary satisfaction that keep you wanting more of it.  It becomes an addiction and you find yourself doing it to feel that “high”.

I’m going to talk about Bulimia in this case.  I was 16 when I first introduced the life of “Binge and Purge” to myself.  I’m not sure if I can describe in full detail how it made me feel, but after an episode I felt a sense of control and satisfaction within myself.  It feels as if you can do something so horrible, but not suffer the consequences. In this case, eating 5,000 calories in one sitting would be the horrible, and discarding it would grant you immunity from the consequences of gaining weight.
This was a daily routine for me for about 5 years, until one day I had to go to the hospital and they stuck a Nasogastric Tube up my nose, down my throat, and into my stomach to check for bleeding (It was the WORST! I seriously wanted to punch someone! My mom said I had to cooperate or else it will take longer. Ugh!).
My days after being in the Emergency Room consisted of debating whether or not I should have another episode of B&P.  Sometimes I would, and sometimes I would be too lazy.  Now here’s the thing,  just because I didn’t purge all the time, it doesn’t mean I didn’t do the binging part.  And this is how I started to gain the weight back. I ate thousands of calories in one sitting without discarding it.  I gained a little too much if you ask me. (For my family and friends wondering how I gained so much weight.)
‘Til this day, I still struggle with B&P and debating if I should take time out of my day to satisfy it.  I don’t even think its self control that stops me from doing it… I think it’s straight up being too old and too tired for this shit (excuse the language).

When I look back 11 years, I think of how great my body looked when I first started.  How much confidence my ED gave me.  Back then I had nothing else to worry about except for my weight.
And now… 11 years later I am here.  Worrying about growing up on top of worrying about my weight.  My body went through all that damage and I ended up back where I was when I was 16. Overweight.  All of that for what? Physically, for nothing.  Emotionally, damaged.  Spiritually, hopeful. Hope is all I have to bank on right now.  I’m doing my best.

To all the teenagers starting off with this life style… I am now 27 years old currently fighting for my life every single day.  In terms of your Eating Disorder, believe me when I say the satisfaction is only temporary.


Survivors & Warriors

With every disease given to you, you have to fight. Or at least that’s what you should do. There may be times when you stay hopeful and fighting motivates you to fight even more. Then, unfortunately, there are times when you are just too tired to continue fighting.

An Eating Disorder is a real disease. Though, there may be people out there who don’t quite understand why it’s so hard to just eat without thinking of it in a negative way. For those of you who do not believe an Eating Disorder is a real problem, then more power to you. Because then it goes to show that you do NOT have this issue (consider yourself blessed). For those who are going through this, don’t let anyone belittle your disease. It’s just as big as any sickness out there.

When fighting, you either win or lose the battle. There are car accident survivors. War survivors. Cancer survivors. All kinds of survivors! And they are all praised for winning the battle. But my question is, are there any survivors for those battling an Eating Disorder?

Sure, we can go on with life having our happy moments while battling this horrible disease taking over our minds, but is there ever an end to it? I have learned that NO, it does not end.

I wake up every morning wondering if food will be my friend today, or my worst enemy. For the most part, it will always be my enemy, but I do it anyway. But of course with guilt, accepting the consequences of what food can make my body look like.  I just want to wake up one day and be normal.  I want to think of food as something nutritious and not some kind of poison.  I have done research on a few victims of Bulimia.  All of those women (and a few men) have said that it will always be a lifetime battle.  But, with the proper help and regular therapy, it is definitely something you can live with.

To my fellow victims of Eating Disorders, we must accept that although this is a lifetime battle, it does not mean we cannot win.  In my opinion, death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you.  The only thing worse than death is being defeated by something so evil.  Death is inevitable, but you must keep fighting for the life you want for yourself, or die trying.

“Survivor” may not be the appropriate word for someone who is going through a battle that will not come to an end, but being a constant fighter makes you a Warrior.