Temporary Satisfaction

There are so many types of Eating Disorders.  Some may not even be aware that, for example, Orthorexia (an obsession with eating only “pure”, “right”, or “proper” foods) was an ED. (what the heck, right? I didn’t even know that.)
Whatever type people are suffering from, they are still suffering. Let’s not treat it less than it should be.

An Eating Disorder and doing drugs may be two totally different things, but they have one thing in common.  They deliver temporary satisfaction that keep you wanting more of it.  It becomes an addiction and you find yourself doing it to feel that “high”.

I’m going to talk about Bulimia in this case.  I was 16 when I first introduced the life of “Binge and Purge” to myself.  I’m not sure if I can describe in full detail how it made me feel, but after an episode I felt a sense of control and satisfaction within myself.  It feels as if you can do something so horrible, but not suffer the consequences. In this case, eating 5,000 calories in one sitting would be the horrible, and discarding it would grant you immunity from the consequences of gaining weight.
This was a daily routine for me for about 5 years, until one day I had to go to the hospital and they stuck a Nasogastric Tube up my nose, down my throat, and into my stomach to check for bleeding (It was the WORST! I seriously wanted to punch someone! My mom said I had to cooperate or else it will take longer. Ugh!).
My days after being in the Emergency Room consisted of debating whether or not I should have another episode of B&P.  Sometimes I would, and sometimes I would be too lazy.  Now here’s the thing,  just because I didn’t purge all the time, it doesn’t mean I didn’t do the binging part.  And this is how I started to gain the weight back. I ate thousands of calories in one sitting without discarding it.  I gained a little too much if you ask me. (For my family and friends wondering how I gained so much weight.)
‘Til this day, I still struggle with B&P and debating if I should take time out of my day to satisfy it.  I don’t even think its self control that stops me from doing it… I think it’s straight up being too old and too tired for this shit (excuse the language).

When I look back 11 years, I think of how great my body looked when I first started.  How much confidence my ED gave me.  Back then I had nothing else to worry about except for my weight.
And now… 11 years later I am here.  Worrying about growing up on top of worrying about my weight.  My body went through all that damage and I ended up back where I was when I was 16. Overweight.  All of that for what? Physically, for nothing.  Emotionally, damaged.  Spiritually, hopeful. Hope is all I have to bank on right now.  I’m doing my best.

To all the teenagers starting off with this life style… I am now 27 years old currently fighting for my life every single day.  In terms of your Eating Disorder, believe me when I say the satisfaction is only temporary.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Temporary Satisfaction

  1. So true. All too often for whatever reason, a person’s emotional needs are not met and food, either out of control or over-controlled replaces it.

    During my time working in adolescent units, sometimes I was able to meet with someone on a level that made a difference. Other times, it would be a different memeber f staff that was able to do it. Sometimes, sadly, no one was able to do this and the young person was still suffering so much when they left our care.

    I have been a part of so many young people’s struggles in this that my heart still goes out to anyone with that struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s